The Crazy White Exorcist
by MikaMikaBOOM2.0
Summary: Loki was not having a good day. The woman, who called herself Allen, in the neighboring cell was not helping. Fem!Allen MPD!Allen Broken!Allen AU Don't like, don't read! Warning: Authoress is essentially a slightly calmer version of Alice. Be afraid, be very afraid.
1. Chapter 1: The Noah

Loki was _not_ having a good day.

First he was captured by the mortals, then his brother showed up, and the two groups were working together! Not to mention the fact that they had thrown him into the cell meant for a beast, and left him alone with another prisoner who, last time he checked, was wrapped up in a blanket in the other cell, muttering furiously to themselves.

"So, why are you in here?" A tired voice asked, hoarse from disuse, yet still melodic, in a way. Loki turned to to the other cell, whose occupant had finally come out from under the blanket.

She couldn't have been any older than he was physically, and yet, she looked to be so much older at the same time, with an aura that spoke of darkness and tired wisdom.

Regardless of her age, she had long, otherworldly white hair, and cream white skin, the palest he'd ever seen, her pretty face marred by a hideous red scar that went through her left eye. Her eyes were half open, allowing him to see they were grey. But the most eye catching thing about her, was her left arm. It was blood black, with black nails and a cross embedded in the back of it. She wore only a large black shirt, and a pair of loose white shorts.

"That is none of your concern, mortal." Loki sneered. The woman laughed, but it held no amusement, giving the sound a bitter undertone. She tilted her head, and offered him a sly smile.

"Oh, you foolish man. If I was just a mere mortal, why would I be in this?" She gestured to their surroundings. Loki scowled. She had a point, he had to admit that much.

"What are you, woman?" He snapped.

"Oh, so I've been upgraded from 'mortal' to 'woman'?" She chuckled.

"As for your question, I am a human, or rather a superhuman. I stay young forever, and I can't die from illness or poison, yet I can be killed. Of course, that's rather hard, what with the instant regeneration and healing factor, but it can be done. What was the term they called me all those years ago?" Here she placed her finger on her chin in thought.

"Ah, yes. To be more specific, I am both human, and a monster. I am a Noah, more specific, the 14th Noah, the Noah of Destruction, the Musician. And yet, I must be human, for I am one of God's favorite humans, an accommodator of one of his mighty weapons." She said bitterly, yet a taunting smile was on her lips.

"And what is exactly a Noah, musician?" Loki snapped, having lost his patience with her teasing. The girl frowned, and her eyes snapped open. Loki felt himself gasp without meaning to. Her eyes were an ethereal silver, like stars. They were filled with a fierce fire, yet were dulled by weariness.

"Noah are nearly impossible to kill super humans, which makes the super soldier that science has created look like insects in comparison. They are still human, yes, but their incredible healing factor and instant regeneration of missing limbs makes them extremely hard to hurt. They are immune to all poisons, and can not get sick. And I'm the last one, apparently." She murmured the last few words, yet Loki could still hear them. She shook her head, and immediately her body relaxed.

"Anyhoo, I'm Allen. What's your name, Spade?" She asked. Loki twitched. Just a second ago she was melancholy, now she was chipper. And why was she calling him Spade?

"I am Loki." He said stiffly, eyeing her warily. From what he had seen so far, he suspected that she wasn't all right in the head. And even though this woman was likely as mad as a Jabberwocky, she still radiated an aura of power that rivaled even his own.

"Like the Norse God Loki? Man, your parents hated you. So welcome to the Our Parents Hate Us Club! Our motto is 'Burn the disbelievers! Buy gold!' I'm the founder and president, even though I personally have no parents, cause they abandoned me as an infant! And if I did, they'd still be dead by now!" She laughed, clapping her hands together in glee. Loki twitched again.

Scratch the idea that she wasn't right in the head, this woman was batshit insane!

"No I'm not!" She cried suddenly. Loki blinked.

"What?" Loki asked. She frowned.

"You called me batshit insane in your head! I don't like being called crazy, Spade!" She snapped.

Loki felt his eye began to twitch. This was going to be a long day.


	2. Chapter 2: Alice Pulls A Houdini

"There's not many people who can sneak up on me." Loki said coolly, a slight smirk on his lips. He turned, to see the red haired assassin known as the Black Widow. Natasha scowled.

"But you figured I'd-!" She was cut off by a mad cackle emanating from near the ceiling. She looked up, and was just in time to see a pale ankle vanish inside the air vents. Natasha whipped her head back to the second cell, the one where _she_ was imprisoned, and froze. The _fucking inescapable cage's_ occupant was _gone_ , the door open and the grate of the air vent on the floor.

 _Alice_ had escaped.

So Natasha did what any _sane_ person would do in this situation: She went to go find a place to hunker down until Alice was recaptured. And hopefully find Fury's supply of alcohol.

Loki just smirked.

* * *

A few minutes later, in the lab Bruce and Tony were working in, a vent grate slowly opened, and a head of white hair peeked out. She landed softly on the ground and tiptoed over to where Tony was working, the man none the wiser to the girl.

Suddenly, she tackle-hugged him, causing Tony to squawk indignantly and flail, trying to get away from the hyper blancette. Naturally, this made Alice hug him tighter in an attempt to not be sent tumbling.

"GET OFF!" He yelled and tried to slam Alice into the wall by throwing himself at a wall. Alice, of course, used his shoulders as a springboard, and flipped over him, making him slam into the wall.

She landed on her feet and frowned at the groaning billionaire.

"That wasn't very nice, you big meanie." She pouted.

Natasha, who had just walked in, took one look at Alice, and spun around on her heel, leaving the man to his doom.

Nope, nothing to see here, nope.

 _(The last time Natasha had tried to wrangle Alice and not her sweet opposite Allen, Natasha had been set on fire._ How _remained a mystery, but she was not eager to repeat it, thank you very much.)_

Bruce, who had been working across the room, paled when Alice turned towards him. Whoever she was, he decided, the Other Guy really didn't like.

Then Alice pounced.

* * *

Nick Fury was, well, furious. A top-secret prisoner, Alice, had escaped and was now loose on a heavily armed flying ship. The only reason she was even on the ship in the first place was that she only listened to Coulson, and she had agreed to be part of the Avengers Initiative. So, he began screaming at his agents, half of whom didn't even know there _was_ a second prisoner on the Helicarrier.

"HOW THE FUCK DID SHE GET OUT!?" He yelled at a poor, random agent. Said agent whimpered.

"Was she not supposed to, sir?" The agent whimpered.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER! THAT GIRL IS THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF A NUCLEAR BOMB! IF SHE DECIDED THAT SHE WANTED US ALL DEAD, WE'D ALL BE SCREWED!" Fury raged, and then a metal grate fell from the vents above.

"HIYA MR. PIRATE!" A terrifyingly familiar voice squealed from above their heads. Fury, along with every other agent, looked up.

Their missing prisoner, donned in a large AC/DC shirt and a pair of black glasses, hung from the light fixture, giggling at the sour milk color Fury's face had turned.

* * *

Once Tony's shirt and Bruce's glasses were seized from the sneaky girl, Alice was frog-marched by two agents back to her cell, all the while she was smiling widely.

"Ah. Back so soon?" Loki snickered as Alice was tossed back into her cell. The girl pouted and frowned.

"Meanie." She whined. Then a big smile appeared on her face, and she began to snicker. It was now Loki's turn to frown.

"What did you do, woman?" He growled. Alice smiled innocently, a little _too_ innocently, at him.

"Noooooothing!" She chirped, seemingly enjoying his growing frustration.

"Just a little bit of good-old-fashioned mischief." She grinned and pulled out a very familiar gold face mask from the folds of her large clothing.

Loki grinned. This was the start of a beautiful friendship, he thought.

"Hey, there's a button!" Alice suddenly shouted. Loki's head whipped back to her and paled when she hit the button.

 _ **BOOM!**_

Meanwhile, a certain billionaire was trying to find said face mask.

"Where is it where is it where is it?!" Tony grumbled as he searched the lab. The rest of the Avengers were watching the frantic scientist with a mixture of amusement and worry.

 _ **BOOM!**_ An explosion rocked the Helicarrier.

"Okay, what the fuck was that?" Tony grumbled, his mask temporarily forgotten.

"It sounded like it came from the containment cells." Steve realized, with growing horror.

"Shit. That can't be good." Tony growled, and the group headed off towards the containment cells.

* * *

 **Update 1/6/2017: Okay, so I made a few minor changes to the story.**

 **First: There are only three sides to Allen: Herself, Neah, and Alice. All other personas will be scraped, though a new one may be added later.**

 **Second: Allen is seriously fucked up mentally. The end of the Holy War caused her to "split" for lack of a better word. All she had known was conflict, and suddenly she had to adjust to the life of a civilian.**

 **Third: THIS FIC IS GONNA GET A LOT DARKER!**

 **Your Overlord,**

 **~MikaMikaBOOM2.0**


	3. Chapter 3: BOOM! Bitches!

Ain't it funny? Levierr always said I was a monster.

' _No, a demon,'_ Neah snarled, remembering the vile man. Even though the man had been dead for over a century, Neah had never quite gotten over his grudge against the fanatic.

' _But he was wrong,'_ says Alice with her bubbly charm. _'Angels live in heaven, and heaven is really high up in the sky, and we're really high up in the sky right now, so we're not a demon, we are an angel!'_ (Let it be noted that Alice also has a messed up sense of logic.)

Who am I, you ask? That's a good question! We've gone by so many names over the years, it's kind of hard to remember what one I went by last! Oh, but I suppose you want to know my original name, yes? My name is Allen Walker.

Loki was cool, in Allen's honest opinion. He reminded her a bit of mix between Kanda and Lavi, with a hint of Rhode thrown in. He's aloof, like Kanda, but he reminded her more of Lavi, with his mischievous eyes.

Sometimes, Spade's eyes were green like Lavi's, but Spade's were the eyes of a man hiding behind a laughing facade. Other times, his eyes were electric blue, and he seemed almost dazed, for lack of a better word.

He's not of anything she'd ever encountered before, his power absolutely breathtaking in its beauty. He reminded her of winter, in all it's subtle power. You never notice the cold until it too late, when it starts to seep into your bones and it hurts to breathe, it's so cold.

 _Cold stones against torn skin, rusty nails driven into broken flesh, a moaning gasp escapes over a withered tongue and through chapped lips. Dusty hair falls on sticky skin, white having long turned to a reddish brown from dirt and dried blood. Glazed silver eyes peer out from behind a thin curtain of scraggly hair, dead to the all of the world around her, a dark, dusty room that's air made her choke on the dust, her lungs no doubt covered in a fine layer of the stuff by now._

Alice, the ditz, decided to push the blasted button, and it was only thanks to a split second switch to Allen and a hastily thrown up Crown Clown that spared her from the brunt of the resulting explosion. When the cloak was no longer hot to the touch, she deactivated, and took in her surroundings.

Glass shards surrounded her, and the metal floor was still hot from the explosion. The explosion had been a small one, thankfully, so no one else was injured, but her "roommate" ('Loki,' Alice supplied.) was eyeing her warily, yet grinning like the cat that had caught the canary. She grinned back, and jumped when the doors to the gigantic room were thrown open.

Three men rushed in, all looking ready for a fight. Allen easily recognized them from Coulson's descriptions as Tony Stark, Captain America, and Thor. Deciding on the more diplomatic approach, she waved.

"Uh, hello. Sorry 'bout the mess, Alice got ahold of a minor grade explosive, and the ditz left me to deal with the aftermath." She said nervously, and scanned their faces for reactions.

"I must say, Midgardian women are quite skilled at blatant destruction and chaos." The blond mountain of a man who could only be Thor said thoughtfully, and Allen smiled.

'Finally! A fellow connoisseur in making things go BOOM!' Alice cheered in the back of her mind.

'Alice, _you piece of shit_ , what have you done?!'

Allen had been dragged from the remains of her cell to a conference room, and chained to a chair at the table, both of which were nailed to the floor. The walking flag, or Rogers, as the bearded man called him, sat across from her, disapproving blue eyes studying her intently.

"Ma'am, can you please answer a few questions for me?" He asked, and Allen nodded. Might as well get it over with. The man smiled approvingly, and shifted in his seat.

"What is your name?" He asked.

"My name is Allen Walker." Allen said cooly, studying the man with suspicion. Good Cop, she decided, when he smiled.

"Well, Allen, how old are you?"

"I lost count a couple decades ago. If you really want to know, I'm 127, give or take a few years. Just ask the eyepatch man. He should know." Allen said calmly, and smirked when he gaped at her.

 **Updated 1/6/2017**


	4. Chapter 4: Shit Gets Serious

She had been left alone in the room for nearly three hours before an explosion sounded. With instincts honed over a century, Allen unlocked her chains, kicked open the door, and sprinted towards the cells.

She ran down the corridors, gunfire and her own heartbeat ringing in her ears. She tried to block it out, the sound of bullets hitting flesh with sickening squelches, and the strangled screams of the doomed.

She turned the corner, and cursed when she found herself facing a group of brainwashed soldiers, all heavily armed and pointing at her. She spied the dead SHIELD agents at their feet, and a wave of bloodstained memories and bullets flooded her body. Her blood splattered everywhere, pain exploding from every part of her as she was filled with holes. She closed her eyes, and she allowed gravity to pull her to the floor.

She listened to her-would-be-killers walk away, heavy boots thumping against the floor, until she could no longer hear them. She opened her eyes, the last of her wounds having sealed itself shut, and met the glassy, unseeing eyes of one of the fallen agents.

For a heartbeat, she could only see _Lenalee's violet eyes, wide with terror in death_ , then they were replaced by the dishwater blue of the agent. Allen let out a shaking sigh, and with bloody fingers, shut the fallen woman's eyes. She stood, her bare feet and hands painted red by blood. The cold air brushed against her skin, her tattered shirt offering no protection.

"And I liked this shirt." She huffed, and slipped off her shirt. Thankfully, SHIELD had been considerate enough to provide her with a sports bra. She swiped a hair tie off one of the corpses, and tied her hair back. With a final look around, she took off once more, her eyes alight with raging fire.

* * *

Allen arrived at the cells, just in time to see Coulson fall to the floor, a gaping hole in his chest, the gun he was holding landing a few feet away. Loki stood over him, grinning maliciously, his scepter's razor-sharp tip covered in blood- Coulson's blood, she realized with anger. As if he had just noticed her, Loki looked over to her, his electric blue eyes gleaming.

"I was wondering where you'd scampered off to, woman." His saccharine voice lilted over her, and then he vanished. Then a spear was thrust through her chest, Loki standing in front of her, grinning victoriously. She saw _red._

How _dare_ he.

 _How dare he!_

With that thought, Allen allowed her world to fade, and Alice came out to play. And Alice was _pissed_.

* * *

Alice was the side of Allen that had started as the childish impulses from her youth, and had slowly grown more and more powerful as the years passed. She was silly and ditsy, but also sadistic and bloodthirsty. Unlike the Hulk, who smashed and dashed, Alice was a true berserker, and she _reveled_ in it. She was a harbinger of death, striking down those foolish enough to cross her path with a sweet smile on her face. The angrier she got, the more devastating her attacks were.

Not that Loki knew.

* * *

Alice glanced at the spear sunk in her chest and smiled that insipid little grin.

"Was that supposed to hurt?" She chirped. Loki just stared at her. This was perplexing. He'd never had someone fail to die before. But there she stood, calm and cool, even with blood dribbling down her chin and a spear through her chest. He had a new question now.

 _What in the fucking Nine Realms was she?_

She narrowed her eyes, bared her teeth in a feral smile, and clenched her fists.

"My tuuuurn~!" She sang, her voice echoing ominously. There was a threat- no, a promise of retribution- lacing her words like poison coating a dagger.

Loki jerked back, pulling the spear from her body, a fresh spray of ruby blood flying from the gaping hole. As he watched, flesh and blood regenerated in the hole, and within a matter of seconds, all that was left was her pale skin. There was no sign that just seconds before, she'd had a gaping hole in her chest.

She wiped her chin on her forearm, and locked eyes with him.

"Get ready." She said, and she was off.

* * *

 **A/N: HELLO HELLO HELLO MY LOVELY READERS! It is I, the magnificent MikaMikaBOOM2.0! I've been in a bit of a slump recently, and currently revising the previous chapters! MORE LATER!**

 **~MikaMikaBOOM2.0**


	5. Chapter 5: Loki's Screwed

Never before in his life had Loki been more afraid of a person than the woman he faced now.

Alice (Allen, Alice, whatever her name was!) was like _nothing_ he had ever faced before. She was _fast_ , fast enough that he had to rely on purely hand-to-hand combat, and he was sorely outmatched. She flipped out of range of his attacks, and moved like liquid on her feet, redirecting his own attacks against him. Then there was her extremely unorthodox style of attacking. She was capable of delivering powerful strikes with her legs that could have- no, _would have_ \- killed him if he wasn't wearing his heavily enchanted armor. Loki knew that even the most powerful Asgardian warriors would fail against her pure strength and speed. What made her even more dangerous was that she could control her monstrous strength!

He knew that if he wasn't quick about it, he would be killed by this grinning menace. It was only a stroke of miraculous luck that the room shook, and Alice, who had been in the process of landing, slipped and fell. Loki jumped on the golden opportunity presented to him, and he teleported the _hell_ out of there.

World domination or not, he was _not_ willing to continue being beaten to a pulp by this monster of a woman.

* * *

By the time the final invaders were struck down, 89 had been killed, and over a hundred others injured. But no one's death had quite hit home as much as Phil Coulson's. His colleagues and the Avengers had been deeply saddened, but Allen was inconsolable.

It had been an unusually quiet Alice that had watched the man die in Allen's steed. The usually bubbly woman had been unwilling to switch to Allen and allow her to witness yet another friend's death. She was helpless to stop his life from fading away, and she had comforted him in his final moments. But even she couldn't stop Allen's tears that flowed down her cheeks.

* * *

In her mindscape, Allen kneeled, forehead pressed against the ground, sobbing her heart out. Neah stood off to the side, pain in his amber eyes as he watched her mourn.

Even after the Holy War and becoming the final Millenium Earl, Neah still couldn't protect her. Even in the his insanity when he was awakening in Allen, he had had the protective instinct to keep her safe. But while he had managed to keep Allen alive, his gift had only brought death to those around her.

Neah gritted his teeth and clenched his fists.

Coulson was a good man. He didn't deserve to die like this!

But even Neah knew that nothing he could do would save the man.

* * *

' _Allen?'_ Neah called, his voice soft. Allen looked up, and Neah's heart panged at the look of utter despair on her face. Her usually pale, smooth face was red and blotchy, her cheeks slick with tears. Snot dribbled from her nose, and from between her parted lips, he could see phlegm in her mouth.

He kneeled in front of her, and gently, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to his chest in a hug. Allen stiffened in surprise, but after a few tense seconds, she broke down again. She buried her head in his shoulder, and wailed, her tears renewing.

They sat there for what could have been minutes or hours, Allen clinging to Neah, Neah cradling her in a protective embrace. Neah was surprised when Allen spoke.

' _Neah, why do the best people die?'_ She whispered, her tears subsiding momentarily. Neah smiled sadly, and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

' _When you're in a garden, which ones do you pick?'_ He said softly. Allen pulled away to look at him, her silver eyes bloodshot and puffy.

' _The most beautiful ones.'_ She said, and Neah smiled sadly.

' _That's right, baby girl.'_ He murmured.

* * *

 **A/N: HELLO HELLO HELLO~ MY LOVELY READERS! It is I, MikaMikaBOOM2.0, bringing you yet another chapter! I recently got my muse back, so expect me to be writing for this story a lot more!**

 **As a reward for being so patient with me, I give you lots of angst and Neah! It hurt to write this chapter, really, it did. Coulson is one of my favorite characters, and his death always makes me sad. And yes, I have watched Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., so yes, I do know about Tahiti and Coulson being, ya know. I'm not saying anything else so not to spoil it for those who haven't watched it.**

 **Til next time, my lovelies~!**

 **~MikaMikaBOOM2.0**


	6. Chapter 6: Sarcastic Uncle Neah

_'Hello.'_ Allen, thinking

 **'Hello!** ' Alice, thinking

 _ **'Hello.'**_ Neah, thinking

* * *

Once her tears were dry and she was more level-headed, Allen took back control of her body from Alice. The harlequin persona didn't even protest at the rather chilly reception she received from Allen. Alice simply gave her a smile full of teeth and blood-lust.

 **"Give 'em hell, Allen!"** She said. Allen smirked.

* * *

Her clothes had been practically ruined by her battle with Loki, and only a few strings kept her sports bra from falling off. That was beyond _embarrassing_. She opened an Ark gate, and pulled out a change of clothes.

(The Ark was also good for storage. All Allen had to do to retrieve something was to think of it, and open a gate.)

She stepped into an empty room, and changed clothes. Her new outfit was nothing overly ornate, but still indicative of her and Alice's shared love of cute clothes. It consisted of a cream blouse, a coffee brown skirt, black biker shorts, white knee-high socks, and red sneakers. Her ruined clothes were dumped through another Ark gate, and with a swish of deodorant, she was good as new, or at least, she would be until she could take a shower. Hey, even immortal beings like being clean, and it had been a very, very long time since she'd had a nice, long, hot shower. But ah, such is life.

When she was done, Agent Hill, who she had only met in passing, ushered her to the bridge, where Stark and Rogers sat at the conference table. She chose a chair as far away from the others as humanly possible. There she sat, knees curled up to her chest, and hiding her face behind her hair. No one spoke, simply processing what had happened.

When a set of loud footsteps grew closer, Allen looked up. Fury walked in, his face grimmer than normal. He tossed a set of cards at Rogers. A set of very familiar cards that Allen had been shown many a time by their owner. They were Coulson's prized trading cards, ruined by blood splattered across them. Allen frowned.

 **'Those better not be what I think those are.'** Alice murmured angrily.

"These were in Phil Coulson's jacket. Guess he never did get you to sign them." Fury said. Rogers picked them up. His blue eyes went hard as soon as he recognized them.

"We're dead in the air up here. Our communications, location of the cube, Banner, Thor. I got nothing for you. Lost my one good eye. Maybe I had that coming." Fury paused, and Allen sent him an unamused glare. Fury ignored her.

' _ **Oh sure, ignore us, you pirate asshole.'**_ Neah snarked. ' _ **Why I outta…'**_

' _Neah?'_

' _ **Yeah?'**_

' _I love you, but would you please shut up!'_

"Yes, we were going to build an arsenal with the Tesseract. I never put all my chips on that number though, because I was playing something even riskier. There was an idea - Stark and Walker knows this - called the Avengers Initiative. The idea was to bring together a group of remarkable people, see if they could become something more. See if they could work together when we needed them to, to fight the battles that we never could. Phil Coulson died still believing in that idea, in heroes." Fury said. Stark, apparently having had enough, stood, and walked out.

' _ **You've got to be kidding me.'**_ Neah deadpanned. Alice hummed in agreement.

"Well, it's an old-fashioned notion." Fury remarked.

' _ **Well, that was**_ **fun** _ **. Do you have any more bright ideas,**_ **Director** _ **?**_ 'Neah grumbled. Allen grinned despite herself.

' _This_ **is** _going_ **to** _be_ **FUN** **!** _'_ Alice and Allen thought in unison.

' _ **Oy vey.'**_ Neah sighed.

* * *

 **A/N: Short, but I didn't feel like writing farther for this chapter. Next one's going to be long, though!**

 **~MikaMikaBOOM2.0**


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